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Author Topic: Funny, Joke thread  (Read 41840 times)

RckStrGtr

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If you don't laugh there is something wrong
« Reply #20 on: May 01, 2008, 09:18:52 PM »

When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder that sometimes cause my shit to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.

Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.

I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.

Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.

She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her ass (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you cum in my mouth." I ****ing love women.

So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my cock out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.

She stuck her finger up my ass.

My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.

I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL shit, all over her parents comforter.

No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest shit and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me.

And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.

I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the tits.

I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in shit and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.

Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my ass a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my ass had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.

I grab my shit with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.

I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest shit of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.

Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the bandaid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a shit and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY SHIT!". It was one of those moments.

The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.

I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.

Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I shit on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.
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RckStrGtr

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I made one of these one time 37 9 volt batteries is mean
« Reply #21 on: May 01, 2008, 09:37:38 PM »

Got to read.... Funny....

I couldn't finish reading it for crying laughing


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that

sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and

I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized

taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short

lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,

allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought

it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the

button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that

if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface

at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting

back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn

spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself

that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A

batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently

(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and

thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &

blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a

second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it

would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank to p with my

reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,

directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and

disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to

cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a

three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on

the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than

three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm

looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than

&a mp;nb sp; 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with

two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no

possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my

best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her

head cocked to one side as to say, ' don't do it dipshit,'

reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole

thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a

one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to

my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD

& nbsp; . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,

picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the

carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking

up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body

soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be

found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,

clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,

obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body

flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser,

one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second

burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing

until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing

about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered

conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH , THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative

thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had

left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading

glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was

upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally

was. My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still

twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,

and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the

drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know

for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke

cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm

still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward

for their safe return!!

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me

with it!
Logged
"Carefull I am a Racist"
"This Aint Mother F@#!ing Checkers, This Is Chess Fool"
"You Really Are That Stupid"
"Bum Asked Me For Change, I Told Him To Go See Obama For Change"

RckStrGtr

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Funny, Joke thread
« Reply #22 on: May 01, 2008, 09:41:21 PM »


Funny Kittys


More funny Kitty
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zoran

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Funny, Joke thread
« Reply #23 on: May 02, 2008, 01:25:55 AM »

ScooterMafia, you're an obvious danger to others as well as yourself. The hospital where I work has a nice department called "CSU" (crisis stabilization unit), feel welcome any time... :laugh2:  :laugh2:  :laugh2:  :laugh2:  :laugh2:
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life is too important to be taken seriously...

stiggy

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Funny, Joke thread
« Reply #24 on: May 02, 2008, 11:19:34 AM »

A young man has a great date planned with a hot chick, unfortunately he’s also got a bad case of gas. Upon arriving at the girl’s house to pick her up, he meets the parents and waits for her in the living room while she finishes getting ready.

At this point his stomach is turning and he’s doing the best he can to hold his gas. This is some serious stuff too, beer and beef burrito farts - the stuff dreams are made of. Luckily, just before he was about to explode Spot the family dog, jumps on his lap as he sits on the couch. He figures it’s safe to let out alittle bit of the pressure and and if anyone notices they’ll think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, “Spot, get down from there.” The guy thinks to himself, “Thank God! They think the dog did it.” Seizing the opportunity, he lets out another fart and the woman, again, yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a few more farts when, finally, the woman yells loudly, “Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you!”
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

stiggy

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Funny, Joke thread
« Reply #25 on: May 02, 2008, 11:32:46 AM »

Read first...

Airport Security, Customs Official: Sir can I take your name?
Customer: yes its Batman.
Customs Offical: May I know your name?
Cust: Yes i told ya my name is Batman.
CO: so you think your funny?! What is your surname?
Cust: its Superman.
CO : arrests the guy.


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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

stiggy

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Funny, Joke thread
« Reply #26 on: May 02, 2008, 11:38:43 AM »

wow nice set...............                 i bet there graphite shafts and all  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

stiggy

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Funny, Joke thread
« Reply #27 on: May 02, 2008, 11:41:26 AM »

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the iraq desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel.'
The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?',
No . not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.'
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

stiggy

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Funny, Joke thread
« Reply #28 on: May 02, 2008, 11:48:50 AM »

E.T has returned  8O





the years have not been kind  :lol:  :lol:
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

gtr

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Re: If you don't laugh there is something wrong
« Reply #29 on: May 02, 2008, 01:03:50 PM »

Quote from: "ScooterMafia"
When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder that sometimes cause my shit to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.

Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.

I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.

Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.

She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her ass (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you cum in my mouth." I **** love women.

So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my cock out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.

She stuck her finger up my ass.

My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.

I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL shit, all over her parents comforter.

No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest shit and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me.

And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.

I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the tits.

I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in shit and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.

Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my ass a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my ass had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.

I grab my shit with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.

I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest shit of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.

Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the bandaid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a shit and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY SHIT!". It was one of those moments.

The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.

I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.

Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I shit on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.



plz dont tell me its true...
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